MARCH 1-0 MANCHESTER
Late last night, Elon Musk, the bored billionaire with pockets deeper than a Gulf state and an ego to match, rolled up to Old Trafford in his electric clunker and started playing donuts in the parking lot. Look at me, everyone, his actions seemed to say. Look at me, look at me, look at me. But no one looked at him. They were all watching the current Premier League table with panes [Glazered? – Fiver Ed] look at their faces. So poor Elon had to go home and get their attention some other way. He did so by announcing on Popular Social Media Disgrace Twitter: “I’m buying Manchester United, you’re welcome.” There, it ripped them off! Everyone is watching now. Clever Elon, who did everything all by himself from scratch.
The tweet piqued everyone’s interest, okay. The singular business genius saw his last big deal – buying PSMDT himself – go dramatically south, and still harbors the dream of colonizing Mars. Frankly, however, we have reached the point where a consortium led by Walter Mitty, Donald Trump and the former Debenhams board would be seen as an improvement over the Glazers, so many exasperated United fans were receptive. at the idea. Sadly, a few hours of enthusiastic tweets later, those poor supporters had their hopes dashed when Musk admitted it was just one of his goofy comic gambits, a kind of long-running internet riff, although he explained that United were his “favorite team as a kid”, for what that’s worth. Final score: March one, Manchester eff-all.
Musk wasn’t the only bored billionaire spending his evening frolicking along the information highway. Cristiano Ronaldo was also glued to his phone, liking an Instagram post linking him to Atlético Madrid, then pasting his own, in which he promised to reveal “the truth” about his future soon. “The media tells lies,” he said, referring to a notebook he apparently uses to record stories about him. “In the last 100 months… only five were right. Imagine how it is. Stick to this advice. And so once again, Manchester United’s increasingly stretched fan base awaits developments with bated breath. Although United are desperately trying to sign Christian Pulisic on loan from Chelsea, everyone already knows deep down how things will play out.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s a shame from a sporting point of view because both players would have had a role in the match. But it’s even more a shame, from a human point of view, that these two miss out on this great experience” – Viborg sporting director Jesper Fredberg confirms that two of his players, Ibrahim Said and Alassana Jatta, will not feature in their European game. against West Ham due to post-Brexit immigration rules.
Football Weekly is here! Join the podders as they talk about Liverpool’s shaky start to the Premier League, Greenland’s latest book and Jonathan Wilson’s new book about the Charlton brothers. Plug in here, or wherever you get your pods.
“Can we expect a decrease in the number of Newcastle fans using Twitter after Salma al-Shehab was sentenced to 34 years in prison for following and retweeting Saudi dissidents and activists? Either way, football will continue to dominate golf and push its head up the cash cow’s ar$e” – John Stainton.
“Did anyone think that Mike Riley and Anthony Taylor’s collective lack of sympathy towards Marc Cucurella on Sunday was possibly due to hair envy on their part? I must add that as a Spurs fan madly challenged, I thought their decision to do nothing was right” – Avi Chaudhuri.
“The Stop Football campaign is alive and well in Bucharest, judging by the graffiti I found this morning” – Ian Fail.
“After Darwin Núñez’s red card, can I suggest that the boy just needs time to become a Premier League footballer? Just a theory” – Alastair McGillivray.
Send your letters to email@example.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our invaluable letter of the day is… John Stainton.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Cristiano Ronaldo has been cautioned by police over footage that appeared to show the Manchester United striker dropping a phone from the hand of an Everton fan during a game last season. “We can confirm that a 37-year-old man voluntarily presented himself and was questioned on bail in relation to an allegation of assault and criminal damage,” a statement from Merseyside Police said. “The matter was handled by way of a conditional disclaimer [and] is now complete.
England head coach Sarina Wiegman and striker Beth Mead have been shortlisted for UEFA’s top awards. Wiegman is nominated for Women’s Coach of the Year, alongside Germany’s Martina Voss-Tecklenburg and Lyonnaise Sonia Bompastor. Mead is in the running for Women’s Player of the Year alongside German midfielder Lena Oberdorf and Spain’s Alexia Putellas.
Joe Blott, the first chairman of Liverpool’s new supporters’ council, will mark a “new era of engagement” between the club and its fans. The new board will have 16 representatives and will work closely with club officials.
Marc Cucurella doesn’t hold a grudge against Cristian Romero for the punch that preceded Tottenham’s equalizer on Sunday. “I have no problem with him – it’s just an in-game action,” Cucurella cooed, before confirming he had no intention of cutting his trademark locks. “No, no, never: that’s my style.”
Fiver Ticker Transfer Time! West Ham continued a busy summer with the £10.1m signing of Thilo Kehrer. “It’s the best league in the world!” applauded the former PSG central defender…
… as Newcastle prepare to raise their bid by more than £20m for Watford striker João Pedro. The Magpies also like Christian Pulisic, while Ben Brereton Díaz has a choice of three seaside locations with Nice, Bournemouth and Everton all interested in the half-Chilean hot shot.
Queen’s Celtic are heading straight into the Big Cup group stage this season and their captain, Callum McGregor, will be hoping they land the biggest fish of them all. “The one most fans would like is Real Madrid,” McGregor applauded.
And Brazil head coach Tite may want to rethink this weekend in Baku after hitting back at Kylian Mbappé’s claim that World Cup qualifying is more difficult for European teams. to play. We don’t have anyone giving you a break,” Tite roared.
WANT EVEN MORE?
‘It’s really heartwarming’ – Ella Braidwood speaks to Manchester United’s Aoife Mannion and others about the increased interest in the grassroots game for girls across the UK.
Sikh winger Dilan Markanday is a symbol of Blackburn’s pioneering approach to inclusion which saw Eid prayers on the pitch and halal food in the halls, writes Ben Fisher.
Rodrigo has started hitting them for Leeds and that can only be good news for Jesse Marsch. reports Ben McAleer.
Has Antoine Griezmann left for crisis club Manchester United? Anything is possible in Wednesday’s Rumor Mill.
If you’ve often sat and wondered which clubs are named after gods and mythological heroes, then this week’s The Knowledge is essential reading.
And if that’s your thing… you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT ALSO!